Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i came on her dog
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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