Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
BRING THE BAGELS
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Randomize
