Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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