did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
