Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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