My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
