A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
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I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
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I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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