Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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