I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
