You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
