so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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