Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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