My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
