the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
