just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
