I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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