We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
