i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
