so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
