I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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