I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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