Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
