Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
