if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
