Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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