I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
