look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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