I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
