Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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