Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
