i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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