Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
