Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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