oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
