Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
