The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
