ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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