we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
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