babies were throwing up all over the place
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
