Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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