come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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