I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
