I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
