Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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