I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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