if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
