Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
