I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
