I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
