I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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