Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
