he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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