Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
