In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
