you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
