Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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