i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Houston, we have a squirter
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
